I was raised in an emotionally and mentally abusive family by narcissists. I never learned to drive, I was homeschooled (not for religious reasons; I was taught well enough, though it left me in full exposure to the abuse and isolated me), and my mom let my "friend" move in live with us when I was 17. He ended up abusing me in various ways, though not physically. He took my virginity.
After four years I fell out of love with him, but he wasn’t much interested in sex and ignored me mostly. I didn’t leave him because I thought it would be awkward. The year after that I fell in love with someone else and tried to leave him. He went crazy and punched walls and yelled at me for 5-7 hours a day. He would wake me up to call me names and I did not get much sleep. I did not cheat on him but he and my mother said I did. There was gaslighting. I gave up most of my friends for him so I had very few people to talk to. I gained weight and was unable to leave my house very much. It was surreal. I did not think my mom could be doing this to me. She said she did not like who I was and that she failed with me. I would dig my nails into my skin when she yelled at me. My ex noticed this.
My ex went home for Christmas and my mom was kinder to me again. She flipped like a switch. She said that she supported my decision. I told my ex he wasn’t coming back and he said that my mother liked him more than me and I couldn’t stop it. She gave him a plane ticket back, flip switched. I was the emotionless cheater again. The ex proposed. I said no. More abuse, worse this time. My mom would come whenever I raised my voice and defend him, and I only raised my voice after hours of listening to crying and yelling and accusations. She said it was only a matter of time before she forced me into an institution because I was clearly crazy. He said he would stop if we were together again. That’s all that he wanted. A second chance.
I took him up on it, just so I could get some sleep. Day three and he is asking me for sex, saying that if I don’t give it to him I am lying again and cheating on him. I bought time, but eventually… I had to. I think I had to. I had six months of this and I was so tired. I never called it rape. But I just wanted it all to calm down. Just give me a little time, a little sleep. I called friends in secret. Most of the time I was monitored, but I had my real friends (and love interest, who supported me through it all, actually…) change their names on skype to talk to me.
We made a plan where I escaped in the middle of the night. Three years ago. I left that awful house and never went back. I am three thousand miles away. I married the man that I fell in love with. Life is so different, now; like it was all a bad dream. Shh, go back to sleep.
But sometimes… when the Christmas lights go up, I think of how bad things had been. How awfully I was treated. How I don’t know if it was rape because he forced my hand and I had to "say yes". If things went any differently and I had been found out in my plans… I don’t know what would have happened. This story is not a "secret" and my real friends all know it. But sometimes I need to sit down and say "this is what happened…"
via This is what happened. (Trigger warning) : TwoXChromosomes.
